December 22nd, 2013

This is from here. I can't even remember what I was going to write now, because I'm crying too hard. You are my big man. 4 1/2 years old. These times when you were so little and so round are so far away. You're growing and evolving into something so wonderful. I wish I could have kept every moment on from the beginning of this journey, when the doctor lifted you out of me. I love you forever baby boy. <3

you and me

it’s 2:43am right now
the nights and early mornings belong to us.
you and me.
the hum of snoring from upstairs, the early morning singing from the birds..
and then there’s you and me, the glow of the living room full of our dance
while the rest of the world around us sleeps.

in these moments
it’s you and me…
and i try to memorize every bit of you
all of these bits of you that are my world,  i think ‘how could i ever forget this? i will never forget this’
but of course i will.. because you will continue to grow, newly emerging and constantly evolving and so much to soak up.. so much.

right now
i imprint it in my mind
what it feels like to scoop  up all 27 pounds of you in my arms, the weight of you feels familiar, how will i ever forget this?
…but i’ve already forgotten the weight of your tiny seven and a half pounds, swimming out of the waters and to my chest…
the way you curl into me, nestling in deep.. as if to be one with me again
…i can barely remember how my swollen belly touched my thighs as i sat, your world inside me.
the way your sweet golden head fits in my hands
…that moment of feeling the silk of you between worlds.. when your head actually fit cradled in my hand.
your bunny teeth when you laugh
… your first gummy smile that is a long distant memory of many smiles

there was a time when i didn’t even know *you* … impossible

how can i hang on to it all… my memory betrays me
your sister sleeps sprawled next to us in bed, and in those moments, my world is expanding and crushing all at once. my god.. my girl.. when did you get to *be* ?
hardly recognizable from the wee one that was once my you & me, night time dance and moonlit serenade.

here i sit
the sweetest suckles of you at my breast
your fat fingers, dimples dotting your hands.. holding onto my shirt, exploring my mouth, nose, eyes..
your eyes that are looking into mine.. your eyes that are mine

i’ll forget the way you babble
the sound that i know so well
your voice, the only voice of yours that i know
i would know in a crowd
that very one… i’ll forget
as it’s replaced with even more of you

oh it’s bittersweet
these milestones and memories are like stretchmarks
first so brightly hued. so vivid against the blank spaces
so deep and rich
and then they fade with time, they are there.. still woven in to the fabric of *being*
but forgotten about.. blending in to the rest
silvered and soft
when you suddenly pay attention, catch a glimpse, you just may be able to recall what each one was
but probably not
they all start to fade together, become part of the whole story.. the whole package
every little journey
so obviously there
and yet…
memory fails
and i’m left in the middle of the night, with you in my arms
trying to memorize the weight of you
the scent behind your ears
the way your chubby foot fits in my palms
the way your eyes search mine as i sing, rocking you to sleep.

i’ll miss this you & me
and i love this..
and i can’t wait for more

but right now
all i’m thinking about
is memorizing the weight of you in my arms
how will i ever forget
when you’re towering over me, a grown man child
who once fit so sweetly in my arms, my you & me.